Always
by Adumbledore
Summary: Jily as seen through Snape's eyes. FINISHED REWRITING-CONTINUITY CORRECT
1. Chapter 1

I've been watching Lily Evans from afar for a year and a half. I've watched her laugh and chat with Marlene McKinnon, the new me, apparently, and collapse into giggling fits with Mary MacDonald. She's grown her hair out. When I first met her, she had long hair, but cut it short just before we left for Hogwarts. I think she reckoned that it made her seem more mature. That was always a big thing with Lily, maturity. Sure, she was an emotional person, and unafraid to scream and cry and make a scene, but she was always _convinced_ that she saw things from a different perspective than the rest of us, that she was an inherently reasonable person. I never corrected her. I valued maturity as well, and she was, in her own odd way. Throughout the five years after, she kept her hair at varying lengths of short. But in the past year or so, it's suddenly at waist length. Maybe she doesn't care all that much about being mature anymore, or maybe she matured from her obsession with maturity.

There was a time, at the end of fifth year and beginning of sixth, when her friends were constantly with her. You couldn't find her without her awful, smirking, red-clad friends. If she had just been sorted into Slytherin all those years ago! We would never have been in this was always Lily and Marlene McKinnon, or Mary MacDonald, or Jenna Lewis, or Callie Aren. Sometimes she branched out and could be seen with her friends in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, people like Dorcas Meadowes or Benjy Fenwick. She spent her time, mainly with the Gryffindor girls, but also with a wide variety of students, both boys and girls, in our year and the years around us, from all houses. Every house but Slytherin. The one thing that brought me relief was that it was never with a Gryffindor boy from our year, except for occasionally Remus Lupin, the filthy halfbreed, unless they were in a group. She never spent time with any of them individually. While she was a bit too friendly with the Marauders for my liking, her and the girls meeting up with them in Hogsmeade, sneaking to the kitchens, she didn't seem to want their company one-on-one.

Of course, this all changed in mid December of our sixth year, when I saw her laughing and heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast with _Peter Pettigrew_. I felt bile in my throat when I saw it, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad. It could be worse. After all, Pettigrew was nothing more than a lackey for Potter and Black. He didn't incite anything himself. It was okay, I told myself. It's not like they're close. But I noticed that she was spending more and more time with the Marauders.

And then, on patrol one day in January, I heard voices and went off to investigate. As I almost turned the corner, I heard Lily's silvery laughter floating through the corridors. I froze.  
"Nox" I muttered, and then slipped behind a tapestry, moving towards her. The corridor was getting a bit more well lit, and I wasn't sure if there was a candle somewhere in the distance, or it was just my eyes adjusting. I saw her outline, along with two others. They were talking about something, I'm not quite sure what, when Lily laughed and said,

"You can't be serious"

"Course I'm not" the unmistakable voice of James Potter defiled my ears, "He is" So here Lily was, _choosing_ , willingly deciding to spend time with Potter and Black. Lily stared at them, looking simultaneously as if she was regretting all her life's decisions and trying to decide between hitting him and hitting herself. Then, she grabbed a flask from Black and took a swig of it, not breaking her resentful eye contact with either of them. Then she slowly brought the flask down, staring at where I was. Both Black and Potter whirled around, all three of them raising their wands. Panicking, I turned and ran.

"Petrificus Totalus!" I heard Lily shout, and all of a sudden I was on the ground. The three of them ran over, and saw it was me.

"Finite Incantanem" Black muttered. They both raised their wands, but lowered them at a warning look from Lily.

"Get out of here, Snape" Potter told me. I scrambled to my feet.

" _I_ am a prefect!" I spluttered, "And I am on patrol. I'm the one who's supposed to be here. You cannot force me to leave. You all have detention!"  
"Levicorpus!" Black cried. "Sorry Lily," He muttered. "He's just too much of a git to resist" I was filled with rage at the use of my own spell on me, and pulled out my wand to curse Black. I got halfway through the incantation when,

"Expelliarmus!" It was Lily, saving Blacks arse.

"Liberacorpus" Potter said, and the three of them left.

Of all the filthy Marauders, she and Potter seemed to be the closest. She was close with all of them, her and the half-breed just as close as they ever were, her and Black ganging up on Potter to play the most ridiculous pranks on him, coming to each other's aid when they needed it, before even McKinnon or the other Marauders got wind of the trouble. She and Pettigrew had a perfectly polished handshake to rival Potter and Black's own. But it was _Potter_ , of all the Marauders it had to be _Potter_ , with whom she spent almost as much time as she did with Marlene.


	2. Chapter 2

Rumours started flying around last May, thoroughly encouraged by fifth year Slytherin Rita Skeeter that Lily Evans was going out with James Potter. Of course, I knew that they were wrong. Sure she had warmed up to him, but _dating_ him. No chance in hell. They were close friends, sure, but there was a _line_.

One time, _not_ on patrol, obviously, I was wandering the halls after curfew, when I saw them together. No Black this time, just Potter and Lily. She was wearing a large, worn Quidditch sweater. It was slightly frayed, with the sleeves rolled up. It has to be his. It's not like Lily would go out and buy a knee-length Puddlemere United sweater of her own accord. It's not that bad, right? Girls share clothes all the time, maybe that's a normal thing between friends with a boy and a girl. I wouldn't know. The only girl I was ever friends with was… Lily. When I deemed that it is not normal to wear your friend's clothes, at least not for Lily, I pretended that I didn't notice she was wearing it in the first place.

Friends, I tell myself, go on midnight strolls. They steal food from the kitchens and have picnics in abandoned corridors. They trash unlocked classrooms and blame it on Peeves. That's what friends do. That's just Hogwarts. I stalk them for a bit, trying not to be as creepy as I sound. She giggles and he gives her a piggy back ride, romping around everywhere, both their bodies shaking with laughter. They slip into the library and break into the forbidden section, then open up a book which wails and screams, drop it and run away. I dash too, not wanting the blame to be pinned on me. I'm not close enough to hear their conversations, but Lily's silvery laughter occasionally resonates through the halls, and I am filled with untameable jealousy. But why should I be? I insist to myself. It's not like they're more than friends. But although everything else is, her wearing his sweater, and slipping her hand into his isn't something friends do. But I pretend not to notice. And I ignore the fact that never, not once in all our years of friendship, could I make her laugh like that. I stare wistfully at her fiery hair and sparkling eyes. I can't help but thinking that those big green eyes should be gazing at mine, not Potter's unworthy ones. I know, deep in my heart, that they are something more than what I make than out to be, but I refuse to admit it. Lily, my lily-flower would never, ever even consider James Potter. Right?

That summer, I spent most of my days lurking somewhere near the Evans' house, waiting for Lily to exit. I swear, I'm not as creepy as I seem. Lily needs me! She really does! She won't last much longer without me, and I just want to be here when she comes running for help. I'm not sure why I spent all that time waiting for Lily. I always convinced myself that when I saw her, I would run up to her and talk to her. I never did. I'm not sure what I thought I would say. Apologize again? Ask to be her friend again? Beg her to stop spending time with the Marauders? Warn her about You-Know-Who, ask her not to fight him, to stay safe?

I arrived to Platform 9 ¾ with little excitement for the new school year. I looked scathingly over to Potter, where his _perfect, loving_ parents were hugging goodbye to both him and Black. A comfort to me was the blazing glares Black's parents were shooting him, dropping off his younger brother Regulus. Black seemed determined not to look at them. I envied him a bit, for though, like me, his true parents were not loving, he seemed to have found perfect replacements in Mr. and Mrs. Potter. And then I decided that anyone with the last name Potter would be hell to have to spend time with, anyways.

I arrived at the Prefect's meeting, wondering who the Head Boy would be. I already knew that Lily had received the title of Head Girl; I had watched her open her Hogwarts letter through her window, seen her pull out the pin and drop the letter, hands clasped to her mouth in excitement. I pushed my way through the piles of nervous fifth years. Lily sat calmly, speaking with the half-breed and...Potter? He seemed a bit fidgety.

"Potter" I said sharply. He turned over to me.

"Snivellus"

"You can't be here. I don't care that you're friends with Lily and _it_ , this is for Prefects only" Lupin sighed, whilst Potter and Lily both glared at me with angry, blazing eyes.

"Actually, I can"

"Out!"

"I'm Head Boy, Snivellus. So really, I do need to be here." I stepped back in shock, and then came to my senses.

"I'm not _that_ gullible, Potter. You're _James Potter_. They'd never make you Head Boy. Beyond that, you were never a prefect, and they wouldn't make the Head Boy and Girl from the same house." I glanced at Lily.

"What makes you think I'm Head Girl?"

"Don't try me!" I almost shouted, fed up with their antics. Maybe Lily really _was_ a Gryffindor, "I know you're Head Girl! I saw you open your letter!" As soon as I'd said it, I realized the mistake I'd made.

"I opened my letter in my bedroom" she said quietly. Potter and Lupin glanced at each other. I chose that moment to retreat. Lily was phased, certainly, but she shook her head and stood up, checking sixth and seventh year prefects off of a list. She then read out the names of the new prefects, and when everyone was accounted for, she began the meeting.

"As many of you know, I'm Lily Evans, and this, of course, is James Potter" I didn't like the way she said it, as if everyone in the school ought to know Potter, and how she said it affectionately instead of sardonically.

"And we're this year's Head Boy and Girl" I couldn't help but let my imagination wander to if Dumbledore had made the correct choice and I had been Hogwarts' Head Boy. Lily and I up there, running the meeting. It would have forced us to work together, shown her that she should forgive me, and ended the year with the two of us in love.

"Did you catch that, Severus?" Lily asked coldly.

"I-wha?"

"You seem to have caught a great deal of things. Not, of course the things directly addressed to you, but many other things."

"Lily" Potter said softly, so that few heard him. She glanced back at him and shook her head to clear it. The meeting went on, and I was filled with revulsion. He didn't belong here! A Head Boy who hadn't been a prefect? It was ridiculous! And he seemed to know it to. He seemed almost...nervous. Perfect Potter, unsure of himself? Lily gave him encouraging nods, and stepped in to answer questions that he can't. I suddenly felt as if I was about to vomit.


	3. Chapter 3

They have snowball fights, dance through the rain, and grab hands and spin around till their lying on their backs. But they're still just friends, right? I see no evidence to the contrary, besides the rumours. That's all they are. Rumours. It's October now. If they were really together, the rumours would have quelled by now. Besides, Sirius Black hadn't stood up in the Great Hall with his voice amplified and confetti, so obviously there is nothing between them. No fiasco, no show, means no relationship.

I was on my way to potions, when I saw a flash of pale skin and red hair, arm in arm with Marlene Mckinnon. I immediately turn into a corridor and stand there, pressed against the wall. They're laughing, Lily's laugh is _so_ enchanting, and Marlene suddenly gasps extracts herself from the other girl, practically squealing.

"You fancy James Potter!" I wait for her to deny it, to say _anything_.

"No I don't" I am filled with pleasure, until I freeze. I know that voice. And so does Marlene.

"Don't lie to me, Lily Evans!" She buries her face into her hands. Now, Marlene really does squeal.

"Oh, you're going to fall in love and get married, and have the most _adorable_ kids!"

"Getting a bit out of hand here, aren't we?"  
"With bright red hair and hazel eyes and glasses, obviously. A herd of little Gryffindors"  
"Red hair and hazel eyes?" A new voice asks. It's Black. I hadn't even noticed him enter, and clearly neither had Lily and McKinnon. "Really? I think black hair and Lily's eyes. But with glasses. Absolutely." Lily and her friend erupt into giggles, and I turn around and try to disappear down the corridor. I don't want to hear anymore. I don't make it quite fast enough to avoid hearing Lily threaten Black about telling Potter. "James", she calls him and it makes me sick.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: the first three chapters are now all updated so this is it, make sure you're up to date on what part of the story we're at right now (fall, seventh year) REVIEWS are always appreciated!**

The first Quidditch match of the season is Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. I hate Quidditch, always have, but Lily is there supporting Potter and Black, and I spend the entire match with my binoculars trained on her. McKinnon is sitting right next to her, and whenever Lily gets excited she does a little jump in her seat. Occasionally she'll look over to Marlene and make a little comment. Half the time, I can tell by their facial expressions, their wry, sarcastic, but the other half, she has this expression of pure bliss, and it's as if angels have descended from the heavens. How is it that no one else notices this, that it's just me? How are the entire stands not blinded by her glory?

The match is over, and Gryffindor has won, I can tell by the way that Lily jumped out of her seats and screamed with McKinnon. Lily is now leaning over the edge of the stands (she really shouldn't do that, it's dangerous) and her red hair has fallen in front of her face but she doesn't seem to care. Her expression is euphoric, and she's gleefully shouting down to someone on the pitch. I don't know who it is, nor do I care, all I can see is Lily, _Lily_ , and then she throws her head back and laughs and suddenly she's joined by a Quidditch player, flying his broom to be at her altitude.

Potter grabs her hands, and they are so joyful, both full of excitement and merriness and their chattering away at each either. Potter, ruining the moment, ruining the beautiful sight. She slips her hands into his hair and leans precariously over the edge and kisses him. And in that moment, the world cracked in half. He's taken aback for a second, and then he wraps his arms around her kisses her back and somehow everything is _wrong,_ the world is wrong and Lily is wrong and I hate Potter and I hate Lily and I hate myself for loving her.


End file.
